Why I ran in

I was in the car driving my siblings to where they needed to be respectively as my sister was singing worship songs. I tried to join in many times but just felt unworthy, dirty, just...ugh. I felt like I didn't have the right to do that, like I was somehow a hypocrite, how could I use the same mouth... then she started singing "like oil upon your feet, like wine for you to drink, like water from my heart, I pour my love on you. If praise is like perfume, I'll lavish mine on you till every drop is gone, I'll pour my love on you." And I started to sing along, reasoning that regardless of what had happened this morning, what had gone through my mind, my mouth, that no matter how rude, God was worthy of my love; He has done enough in my life to deserve it, even just this week, so in spite of my filthiness I sang, and then I sang "...even when I fail you, I know you love me." and I think that just broke through me. It wasn't about me and what I did, it never had been. It was about God's love for me, that's the only reason I can approach Him, that is the only reason; his love, his sacrifice, stand-alone. If it wasn't my good behavior that made me able to come to Him, why should my bad behavior hinder me. If while I was yet a sinner God approached me in dying for me, I have a feeling that my sins and petty feelings of unworthiness don't scare him or stop him from leaving his hands wide open. And oh, God knows that when I feel so unlovable, those arms are where I need to be, where I want to be even when I don't feel like I have earned the right to go in; I haven't, I'll never need to, I never can if I tried. So I said I was sorry right there in the car to God, and ran in.

Unashamed?

I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is your power for salvation, but You see those moments when i shrink back from fear, You see how much I've dreaded speaking your name for fear of mortals made from dust. You look with patience at my trembling heart and always repeat "do not be afraid". Despite all the times I've ignored your voice, shied away, turned my face, despite me, despite my faults, despite my fear and racing pulse, your love constantly leads me on, it gently erodes my fears over and over again until the day, until the day I stand truly unashamed.

I would, but I can't

I would ignore it all, but he came, he died, and he rose again. He didn't live in a vacuum, he ate with human beings, went fishing with them, traveled, wept, did things people do. They knew his name; these people he met when he came into the world; his mum, family, his friends. They saw him grow, brought gifts when he was born, maybe celebrated birthdays, scolded him like every other child. He healed the sick, turned water to wine before their very eyes, to their shock maybe, but before their eyes all the same, he raised Lazarus from death. They questioned him, listened to him, reasoned with him, argued with him, befriended him, mocked him, played with him, humans. They saw him die, held by nails to a wooden cross waiting for nothing but death, they saw him pierced by a spear at his side, they took his dead body down, embalmed it, put it in a tomb. They mourned him, like we would mourn loved ones we've lost, and wondered what was next. Three days after, they saw the empty tomb, they saw him alive (probably didn't truly believe that he was more than a mere man until then), Thomas refused to believe until he saw and put his fingers through the holes where the nails were, and into his pierced side, he came back to allow him to do that! :) They saw him many times after he came back to life; these humans like you and me, and they watched him ascend to Heaven, right before their eyes! I would ignore all of that or passively believe, but I can't; he came, why?

I just can't

A talk with my sister

My lovely

"You are not going to like what I'm about to tell you." She said in her gentle yet resolved way. My mind raced through a thousand things she could want to tell me that deserve so much ado. "I've prayed for you about this, and I feel that God is telling me to tell you, so I'll just tell you so it will no longer be on me."

She went on to tell me how she noticed that I took offense at the littlest of things and held grudges for way to long. "I have seen you mature so much in your walk with God"{internal pat on the back}, "and I feel like this is an area that you should already be over."
If you are the only picture of God that a person sees, and they see you holding on to offenses like that, won't they maybe think that God is that way? That He is not a forgiving God. In life, not everyone is going to care about you or your feelings, therefore, not everyone will apologize, you need to be able to move past their offense in spite of a lack of apology...
There's so much more to what she said than I can write here, but I'll write this poignant analogy that she used.

"Okay, say that rain are the offenses that people throw at you. In life there is going to be rain, people are going to do some... you could be a duck and let it wash right off you into the river that you're floating on (issues that you have overcome), then the very rain meant to weigh you down will add to the river and take you even higher (because the river rises). But if you are like a cup; always holding on to offenses, very soon, you'll begin to drown, and the river (issues that you had already overcome) start coming back and overwhelming you."

See, just as love brings along joy, peace and all those awesome things, unforgiveness brings its cohorts; depression, bitterness (and a bunch of other things).
*hugs*
Love keeps no record of wrong (1 Corinthians 13:5)
Matthew 6:12: And forgive us our trespasses even as we forgive those who trespass against us.

P.S: To officially say it again, Gege, I am so thankful for a sister like you, and I thank God from the depths of my heart for caring about me so much as to place this on your heart, thank you for bearing it, praying with me and showing me how to truly live this out. You are the most forgiving person I've ever met, and I am privileged to get to do life with you. Love you! Mwah!

A voice in different accents

When I newly moved to the United States from Nigeria in 10th grade, it didn't take me or anyone else long to recognize that I had a different accent. Sometimes, when I would speak in class, my fellow students would laugh at my accent. I would fight back by reading longer passages, talking more, or just being defensive... it started to wear me out and I got tired. The day my only friend was moving, I decided "I'm just going to stop talking". That evening I casually told my younger sister Chioma, and the words she spoke to me literally poured life back into me; that was God's answer to the prayer I didn't know how to pray. It changed my life. It gave me back my voice.

God's rescue to me that night: Chioma

I finished high school, and now in college, everyone (well, as far as I know) loves to hear me speak. That doesn't matter though, what matters is that I spoke regardless of people's "opinions" of my voice. Each and every one of us is God's voice in a different accent, we are a unique expression of God, we are God's handiwork, His masterpiece, created to do good works which He has prepared for us in Christ Jesus before time. The talents, the desires, passions and personality He has put in us are intentional, purposeful. However, people will "laugh" at your accent, (if you haven't experienced it, expect it). People will misunderstand, and maybe even mock you, who God has created you to be, but if God is for you, and the Bible says that no one can stand against you, then be rest-assured that no one will succeed against you. This is God we're talking about!

Maybe you decided to shut up, to stop being who God is calling you to be. Maybe you've suppressed the workings of the Holy Spirit through you. How will God reveal Himself and His love for the people around you, if you refuse to let Him use you? I mean, that's your purpose, that's why He made you in the first place. Let me play my sister's role to you today and encourage you, who you are is completely beautiful because of He who made you. You are a masterpiece; think of any world-known artist, although human and imperfect, all their artwork is usually excellent, intentional, beautiful, now think that you are God's artwork... Let the world around you hear that beautiful voice that has been placed in you. Please let us see that picture.

Work in me

God's been doing so much and teaching me so much, I can't wait to share in future blogs! He has been setting me free in so many ways, and showing how to fully enjoy life. My heart's cry to my lover and Maker at the moment:

Work in me, I want the beauty that comes from your art.

Move in me, let the winds of your love shape who I am. 

Please be patient as I learn to let go, give me your hand as I grapple around. 

Wrap me in your arms that I depend on your love more and more. 

Let your Presence wash through me until there’s nothing left that you did not give.

From the depths of my heart or the top of my head, with all my desire or in spite of it, I ask You to work in me.

Be Still

       I found recently that compared to how happy I was while at school, I was quite depressed at home. My sister even asked what happened to me, she said that I used to glow, and that now my glow had faded. My default face mood was a frown when it used to be a smile, my default sounds were complaining and grumbling instead of the before thanks to Jesus for how good He is. My default mindset was always on the next thing I needed to fix, on the problems I wanted solved, the things that were going wrong, instead of on Jesus, the sweetness of the Holy Spirit, the might and power of God, instead of on things above. My mind was not being controlled by the Spirit, but by my emotions, which were led by the next wrong thing someone did, so no, my mind experienced neither life nor peace. Oh by my word, I let my mind be troubled, I wasn’t trusting either Jesus or God. I thought I could handle it all; hoped I could fix it, if only I said this or did that…

     … Well, I found that the burdens I was taking on; the worrying, the strategizing, the complaining, they clouded my light. I was unable to love, couldn’t focus on God as much. In a bid to handle things my way, I wasn’t doing the things I wanted to the most, and I wasn’t even fixing the problems. I was hurting myself and people around me, getting in the way of God’s work, frustrating everything, and to make matters worse, I felt guilty for it all. How do you handle the situations that come your way? Do you talk to God FIRST about it and see what He has to say (He might tell you how to handle it or not tell you what to do (i.e leave it to Him)). I know that in Psalms 46:10, God says Be still and know that I am God… but sometimes, I fear that if I stay still, everything will fall apart. How silly! How can I handle anything better than the God without whom nothing would exist? I love the translation that says “cease striving”. I need to learn to stop trying to do things, even good things on my own, I should learn to stop trying to fix people and just focus on loving them (can’t do both). I should learn to trust that whatever the Holy Spirit is leading me to do is going to be enough. Finally, I should learn to just sit back and watch God be God, and I know I’ll see some amazing things, because the end of that verse says “I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”