I Really Want to Lose Weight

I really want to lose weight. The weight of self-doubt, of overthinking, of assuming that most people are thinking the worst of me, and so I monitor my intake. I’m careful about the conversations I listen to, about the narratives I allow to play in my head. I am careful about who I let speak into my life (or rather who I take seriously😜). I am increasingly becoming disloyal to whatever is toxic to me; to perfectionism, to the shallow masks, facades, ways of introducing myself that make me feel good… for a moment. You know.. junk food. I no longer thirst for the lemonade of other people’s validation. Dude, I really want to lose weight. 

I want to lose weight, and so I exercise. I constantly ruminate on what I know to be true about myself: that I am loved unconditionally. I listen to my soul and nurture it, discovering who I truly am and embracing me. I take rests. I pat myself on the back when I’ve done a lot, and when I haven’t done anything, because I am worth validating.. as a being. I don’t need to “do” to prove myself. I am loved, worthy, and extremely valuable.. even in my sleep. *drops the mic* *picks it back up again* I make sure to always stay hydrated with love from God, from family, from friends, ..from me. I don’t forget my vitamins: those enriching conversations that can last for hours revitalizing my soul. The ones I have with God, with people, and with myself. You know, the ones that are full of laughter, that remind me how far I’ve come and show me just how far I can dare go. And ofcourse I sleep, trusting that the God who watches over me is staying awake for the both of us 😅💤😁 I really want to lose weight. #bodyconfessions

Don't worry. I know it can be rude to ask people about their weight, so I won’t ask you 😜

Come on in

I tried. I really did, throwing myself against the locked door. 

You were on the other side, and I was trying to let you in.

You would ask "Hello?" and I would say "come on in". You would try the handle and find it locked.

No, this is not a sick joke. I find it locked too, and for the life of me I cannot figure out how to open up my heart to you. 

After years of having people come and go, knock and leave, it seemed to open sporadically.

 I never learnt to unlock this door. 

Life moves fast and I have to keep up with it. 

So I memorized the scripts and moved on. "Come on in" was one of the many lines I'd learnt.

It would be shameful to admit that I hadn't learnt how to unlock the door of my own heart- I don't like shame. 

Wouldn't it be shameful to admit that I still didn't know how to relax in the presence of love? That I still thought that trying to impress you would endear me to your heart? 

That I was paralyzed, silent.. lifeless because I didn't know what to say? What to say that would be perfect, clever, elegant, impressive

I know you've knocked for a long time, and I'd be tired too if I were you. I can feel you leaving and that's ok, but I didn't mean to reject you. I hope that one day I'll learn to open up this heart of mine and I hope that at least someone will be there on the other side. 

"It shouldn't be this hard." I throw my tired self at the door one more time and slide to a heap on the floor. I listen at the door..Silence. 

"Help" I say in a voice that has no sound.

P.S: Right after this journal entry, I "stumble" upon this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFkDqQtfs0w

"She has white skin"

...he repeated excitedly through the phone as easily as I would have said "she has brown hair", in his plea to make sure I identified the right picture of him with his new teacher. "Nmeli, have you seen my picture with my teacher?" "No, but I'll check when I finish talking to you." "She has white skin..." I felt a little urge to somehow tell him "ok" or "I've heard"- to quiet him, somehow communicate to him that he shouldn't say that, but if you've met my 5-year-old brother, you know he'll want to know why. So I asked myself why. His innocence. I found the picture he described

Many things amaze me, one of which is how a soul I love so much is wrapped in a skin that looks so different from mine. But why should that amaze me?

...to find within eyes of a color that mine could never have, a love towards me that I can barely grasp,

to find caught in my hair, a strand that could not have possibly grown from me

to find that fingers of a different color from mine fits perfectly within the grooves between my fingers, and feel just right being there.

Hey! That person in the different-colored skin sheds tears the same color as mine, we even laugh at the same things!

I think they're mad too; whew! I thought I was the only one who had noticed that.

I'll confess though that in the moments when those cheeks turn red, I'm thankful I got the darker face 

hehe ;)

Tribute to my grandfather

When my mum asked me to write you a tribute, my first thought was that I didn’t even know you that well, and maybe it is true that I was too young when we met to know who was holding me, but your influence is very prominent in my life today. My mum, who is one of the best gifts that God has given me in life, was significantly shaped by your life; her quiet trust in God, her patience and the tenacity of her faith, the depth of her knowledge of and relationship with God.  Today, as I stand a young girl; most of what I know about God and a huge part of my relationship with Him was crafted by God through my mum. I can go wherever God leads me with almost no fear, and with confidence that He’ll take care of me, because I’ve watched my mother live that life. I respect God’s love for me more than any human’s, because I’ve watched that love uphold my mum in her most difficult times. I’ve heard stories of and watched God comfort my mum, and guide and direct her. I’ve watched Him provide for her in miraculous ways, over and over again. I’ve watched him transform her heart and take her over her fears. I’ve watched Him redefine her identity, her priorities, her temperament. I watched God teach a little daughter of His; my mum. I have had the privilege of watching the beauty that results from a life of faith, a life lived walking hand in hand with God, and that is very much a core of who I am today. You were instrumental in helping my mum find that door to a relationship with God; finding and accepting Christ. The relationship that has become the core of her existence, and has very much been instrumental in our family, has influenced my relationship with God, which I am finding is the greatest treasure that I possess. I know that you have influenced my life in the important ways. So no, we did not walk in parks together, nor did I get to play with your silvery white hair. No, you never gave me relationship advice or recount to me countless times how you fell in love with your wife. But stories of your faith, even at the expense of your life are familiar to me, and you were in the process of my receiving the most important thing a girl could want in life. So maybe I don’t know you that well, but maybe I do. Maybe I do, because I am knowing what it means to have my heart beat according to the rhythm of God’s heart; the same rhythm to which your heart beat until its very last beat. Maybe in that moment when you were holding baby Nmeli in your arms, she couldn’t yet speak, but maybe our spirits communicated in the very same way an experienced soldier would communicate with a new soldier, our fight; the fight of faith. So maybe all I said sounded like the babbles of a baby, or maybe I was completely silent, and maybe that silence was a signal of solidarity between fellow soldiers. I truly love that you lived your life the way you did grandpa, I am very proud of you, I’m proud to be related to you physically and spiritually. Your life has truly impacted my friends here in America, and all the people I’ve come in contact with these past 19 years. One of my friends Lily, on hearing the news of your death texted me “Hey Nmeli! I’m thinking of you and your family right now!! Praising God for the wonderful life that your grandpa lived and the faith warriors that he has raised up.” Until we meet again in Heaven and I tell you of all the victories and wounds from my experience of the war, I’ll keep being thankful that you lived your life the way you did, and I’ll keep fighting this fight of faith.

Love,

Your babbling granddaughter,

Nmeli.

In love with the idea of love

      Recently, God has been dealing with my heart on how I put romantic relationships (or the idea of them) before Him. In the most basic instinctive ways, I have put "the idea of love" before Him in my mindset. In other words, I have been more readily in love with "love" than I have been with God. "More readily" because although that is the first thing my mind leaps to when I see a cute boy, after willful reflection, it is not the same (of-course I know in my head that God is better). However by the power of the Holy Spirit, God is showing me in those first, tender moments when our eyes meet, that He (God) is more, He is more fulfilling than even the best, most flawless, loving relationship. As my mind is about to travel down the path so familiarly known to it, God's love and truth arrest it and remind it, yes in those instinctive moments, that He is better, He is more, that in essence, I'd rather have God than have that best scenario. It is not to say that I couldn't have both, I just must have God first, and more importantly. He is the core anyways, He's the reason why anything has meaning in the first place. My previous mindset about cute, "eligible" boys has marked my life with guilt, as I realize my selfishness and Godlessness, shame as I realize that I may have made a fool of myself in the process, inferiority as I feel that I need to prove myself to get their attention and even more fundamentally, that since I want this so much, I don't deserve it, that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, and unfounded "heartbreak" when they choose someone else. You must realize that this "relationship" is only in my head, haha. Now, I can hardly look around without seeing boys that have previously been put in this category. I may have gotten tired of them or just replaced them with a new "more handsome", "more eligible" object. What I feel that God is doing is demolishing that fantasy world that has occupied my heart since childhood, and placing His throne right there in its place. I think He is showing me in practical ways that His love; the greatest love of all, the most satisfying love of all is after me, that it jealously longs for me. He is trying to show me that His love is what He put that desire in me for, that it is the only key that can fit in that hole of longing for love. His love is what that hole was made for. He's convincing me that I'm not losing out on anything good by loving Him wholeheartedly. He's rescuing me from the tendrils of my own illusions, and showing me that reality is what I'm longing for, and that that reality is Him.

Advanced Placement

You know those advanced placement (AP) classes we took (or not). But we were told that we were the "cream of the crop" (whatever that means), made to feel that somehow, because we took these classes, we were more advanced than the rest of humanity. So you better feel special as a part of this group, and I did. Finally, a bunch of smart, thinking, high quality people that I get the privilege of talking with, spending time with, rubbing shoulders with, talk about high places, man, I could safely say I idolized the "privilege", so much so that I reconsidered how public I was with my faith [call it wisdom]. You know what I'm talking about; when those smart cookies start reveling in their ignorance about God, or plain dishonoring Him, I would keep quiet, shy away from giving my honest opinions, cos, oh my gosh, these elite people might think...

In my effort to respect my "intelligent" friends, I disrespected the maker of intelligence, the maker of these microintelligents I was becoming enslaved to, of everything intelligent, of the manner by which we could deem anything intelligent, the maker of the intellect... you get what I am saying. Romans 1:23.

Now, I look back at the AP scenario and I'm like "really? So that was what was all that?" But we all have an AP circle, or even multiple in different ways. Even if you've never taken a class in your life; we have people for whom we would bend over backwards to please, compromise ourselves, deny the most important things about ourselves, should it even hint at displeasing them; they have an advanced placement in our hearts; you know, cream of the crop kind of level. You could be yourself, share your faith, dare to make mistakes, take risks and be embarrassed, but only outside this circle, cos who cares what the rest think? In essence, your AP circle consists of your slave masters. As my foolishness is gradually being washed away, I am seeing that my Advanced Placement circle should have room for only God. "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." -Galatians 1:10

Born for this too?

Ok, so my mum is not the most soft-spoken person I've ever met, and people say that I am too sensitive (no such thing), so it makes sense that almost everyday, my feelings are hurt even though the words spoken weren't meant to have that effect. I remember thinking to myself, maybe two days ago, "I cannot stand this", and it came to mind that maybe there were some things that I had to learn to stand. I mean, if God made this woman my mummy; such an intricate, powerful and long-lasting role in my life, and expects me to honor her (in my words and attitude) no matter what, there's no way around it; I'm going to have to learn to love despite offense. In the midst of hurt feelings, my words would have to carry honor irrespective of what happens. Maybe God is requiring of me that I not only stand it, but love  in spite of it. I hear Him calling out to me to relinquish my right to pampered emotions. If I am going to be the girl He's making me to be, I am going to have to let Him keep chiseling, to let Him teach me to love in my words and actions when that is the last thing I want to do. I have a feeling this is going to be a challenging but rewarding journey.

"{Love }is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]." 

                                                                                        - 1 Corinthians 13:5 (Amplified)

This is gonna be my new catchphrase "I forgive you because I love you"