Come on in

I tried. I really did, throwing myself against the locked door. 

You were on the other side, and I was trying to let you in.

You would ask "Hello?" and I would say "come on in". You would try the handle and find it locked.

No, this is not a sick joke. I find it locked too, and for the life of me I cannot figure out how to open up my heart to you. 

After years of having people come and go, knock and leave, it seemed to open sporadically.

 I never learnt to unlock this door. 

Life moves fast and I have to keep up with it. 

So I memorized the scripts and moved on. "Come on in" was one of the many lines I'd learnt.

It would be shameful to admit that I hadn't learnt how to unlock the door of my own heart- I don't like shame. 

Wouldn't it be shameful to admit that I still didn't know how to relax in the presence of love? That I still thought that trying to impress you would endear me to your heart? 

That I was paralyzed, silent.. lifeless because I didn't know what to say? What to say that would be perfect, clever, elegant, impressive

I know you've knocked for a long time, and I'd be tired too if I were you. I can feel you leaving and that's ok, but I didn't mean to reject you. I hope that one day I'll learn to open up this heart of mine and I hope that at least someone will be there on the other side. 

"It shouldn't be this hard." I throw my tired self at the door one more time and slide to a heap on the floor. I listen at the door..Silence. 

"Help" I say in a voice that has no sound.

P.S: Right after this journal entry, I "stumble" upon this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFkDqQtfs0w