Advanced Placement

You know those advanced placement (AP) classes we took (or not). But we were told that we were the "cream of the crop" (whatever that means), made to feel that somehow, because we took these classes, we were more advanced than the rest of humanity. So you better feel special as a part of this group, and I did. Finally, a bunch of smart, thinking, high quality people that I get the privilege of talking with, spending time with, rubbing shoulders with, talk about high places, man, I could safely say I idolized the "privilege", so much so that I reconsidered how public I was with my faith [call it wisdom]. You know what I'm talking about; when those smart cookies start reveling in their ignorance about God, or plain dishonoring Him, I would keep quiet, shy away from giving my honest opinions, cos, oh my gosh, these elite people might think...

In my effort to respect my "intelligent" friends, I disrespected the maker of intelligence, the maker of these microintelligents I was becoming enslaved to, of everything intelligent, of the manner by which we could deem anything intelligent, the maker of the intellect... you get what I am saying. Romans 1:23.

Now, I look back at the AP scenario and I'm like "really? So that was what was all that?" But we all have an AP circle, or even multiple in different ways. Even if you've never taken a class in your life; we have people for whom we would bend over backwards to please, compromise ourselves, deny the most important things about ourselves, should it even hint at displeasing them; they have an advanced placement in our hearts; you know, cream of the crop kind of level. You could be yourself, share your faith, dare to make mistakes, take risks and be embarrassed, but only outside this circle, cos who cares what the rest think? In essence, your AP circle consists of your slave masters. As my foolishness is gradually being washed away, I am seeing that my Advanced Placement circle should have room for only God. "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God?Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." -Galatians 1:10

Born for this too?

Ok, so my mum is not the most soft-spoken person I've ever met, and people say that I am too sensitive (no such thing), so it makes sense that almost everyday, my feelings are hurt even though the words spoken weren't meant to have that effect. I remember thinking to myself, maybe two days ago, "I cannot stand this", and it came to mind that maybe there were some things that I had to learn to stand. I mean, if God made this woman my mummy; such an intricate, powerful and long-lasting role in my life, and expects me to honor her (in my words and attitude) no matter what, there's no way around it; I'm going to have to learn to love despite offense. In the midst of hurt feelings, my words would have to carry honor irrespective of what happens. Maybe God is requiring of me that I not only stand it, but love  in spite of it. I hear Him calling out to me to relinquish my right to pampered emotions. If I am going to be the girl He's making me to be, I am going to have to let Him keep chiseling, to let Him teach me to love in my words and actions when that is the last thing I want to do. I have a feeling this is going to be a challenging but rewarding journey.

"{Love }is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]." 

                                                                                        - 1 Corinthians 13:5 (Amplified)

This is gonna be my new catchphrase "I forgive you because I love you"

Why I ran in

I was in the car driving my siblings to where they needed to be respectively as my sister was singing worship songs. I tried to join in many times but just felt unworthy, dirty, just...ugh. I felt like I didn't have the right to do that, like I was somehow a hypocrite, how could I use the same mouth... then she started singing "like oil upon your feet, like wine for you to drink, like water from my heart, I pour my love on you. If praise is like perfume, I'll lavish mine on you till every drop is gone, I'll pour my love on you." And I started to sing along, reasoning that regardless of what had happened this morning, what had gone through my mind, my mouth, that no matter how rude, God was worthy of my love; He has done enough in my life to deserve it, even just this week, so in spite of my filthiness I sang, and then I sang "...even when I fail you, I know you love me." and I think that just broke through me. It wasn't about me and what I did, it never had been. It was about God's love for me, that's the only reason I can approach Him, that is the only reason; his love, his sacrifice, stand-alone. If it wasn't my good behavior that made me able to come to Him, why should my bad behavior hinder me. If while I was yet a sinner God approached me in dying for me, I have a feeling that my sins and petty feelings of unworthiness don't scare him or stop him from leaving his hands wide open. And oh, God knows that when I feel so unlovable, those arms are where I need to be, where I want to be even when I don't feel like I have earned the right to go in; I haven't, I'll never need to, I never can if I tried. So I said I was sorry right there in the car to God, and ran in.