Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Tribute to my grandfather

When my mum asked me to write you a tribute, my first thought was that I didn’t even know you that well, and maybe it is true that I was too young when we met to know who was holding me, but your influence is very prominent in my life today. My mum, who is one of the best gifts that God has given me in life, was significantly shaped by your life; her quiet trust in God, her patience and the tenacity of her faith, the depth of her knowledge of and relationship with God.  Today, as I stand a young girl; most of what I know about God and a huge part of my relationship with Him was crafted by God through my mum. I can go wherever God leads me with almost no fear, and with confidence that He’ll take care of me, because I’ve watched my mother live that life. I respect God’s love for me more than any human’s, because I’ve watched that love uphold my mum in her most difficult times. I’ve heard stories of and watched God comfort my mum, and guide and direct her. I’ve watched Him provide for her in miraculous ways, over and over again. I’ve watched him transform her heart and take her over her fears. I’ve watched Him redefine her identity, her priorities, her temperament. I watched God teach a little daughter of His; my mum. I have had the privilege of watching the beauty that results from a life of faith, a life lived walking hand in hand with God, and that is very much a core of who I am today. You were instrumental in helping my mum find that door to a relationship with God; finding and accepting Christ. The relationship that has become the core of her existence, and has very much been instrumental in our family, has influenced my relationship with God, which I am finding is the greatest treasure that I possess. I know that you have influenced my life in the important ways. So no, we did not walk in parks together, nor did I get to play with your silvery white hair. No, you never gave me relationship advice or recount to me countless times how you fell in love with your wife. But stories of your faith, even at the expense of your life are familiar to me, and you were in the process of my receiving the most important thing a girl could want in life. So maybe I don’t know you that well, but maybe I do. Maybe I do, because I am knowing what it means to have my heart beat according to the rhythm of God’s heart; the same rhythm to which your heart beat until its very last beat. Maybe in that moment when you were holding baby Nmeli in your arms, she couldn’t yet speak, but maybe our spirits communicated in the very same way an experienced soldier would communicate with a new soldier, our fight; the fight of faith. So maybe all I said sounded like the babbles of a baby, or maybe I was completely silent, and maybe that silence was a signal of solidarity between fellow soldiers. I truly love that you lived your life the way you did grandpa, I am very proud of you, I’m proud to be related to you physically and spiritually. Your life has truly impacted my friends here in America, and all the people I’ve come in contact with these past 19 years. One of my friends Lily, on hearing the news of your death texted me “Hey Nmeli! I’m thinking of you and your family right now!! Praising God for the wonderful life that your grandpa lived and the faith warriors that he has raised up.” Until we meet again in Heaven and I tell you of all the victories and wounds from my experience of the war, I’ll keep being thankful that you lived your life the way you did, and I’ll keep fighting this fight of faith.
Love,
Your babbling granddaughter,
Nmeli.

Friday, September 5, 2014

In love with the idea of love

      Recently, God has been dealing with my heart on how I put romantic relationships (or the idea of them) before Him. In the most basic instinctive ways, I have put "the idea of love" before Him in my mindset. In other words, I have been more readily in love with "love" than I have been with God. "More readily" because although that is the first thing my mind leaps to when I see a cute boy, after willful reflection, it is not the same (of-course I know in my head that God is better). However by the power of the Holy Spirit, God is showing me in those first, tender moments when our eyes meet, that He (God) is more, He is more fulfilling than even the best, most flawless, loving relationship. As my mind is about to travel down the path so familiarly known to it, God's love and truth arrest it and remind it, yes in those instinctive moments, that He is better, He is more, that in essence, I'd rather have God than have that best scenario. It is not to say that I couldn't have both, I just must have God first, and more importantly. He is the core anyways, He's the reason why anything has meaning in the first place. My previous mindset about cute, "eligible" boys has marked my life with guilt, as I realize my selfishness and Godlessness, shame as I realize that I may have made a fool of myself in the process, inferiority as I feel that I need to prove myself to get their attention and even more fundamentally, that since I want this so much, I don't deserve it, that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, and unfounded "heartbreak" when they choose someone else. You must realize that this "relationship" is only in my head, haha. Now, I can hardly look around without seeing boys that have previously been put in this category. I may have gotten tired of them or just replaced them with a new "more handsome", "more eligible" object. What I feel that God is doing is demolishing that fantasy world that has occupied my heart since childhood, and placing His throne right there in its place. I think He is showing me in practical ways that His love; the greatest love of all, the most satisfying love of all is after me, that it jealously longs for me. He is trying to show me that His love is what He put that desire in me for, that it is the only key that can fit in that hole of longing for love. His love is what that hole was made for. He's convincing me that I'm not losing out on anything good by loving Him wholeheartedly. He's rescuing me from the tendrils of my own illusions, and showing me that reality is what I'm longing for, and that that reality is Him.