Recently, God has been dealing with my heart on how I put romantic relationships (or the idea of them) before Him. In the most basic instinctive ways, I have put "the idea of love" before Him in my mindset. In other words, I have been more readily in love with "love" than I have been with God. "More readily" because although that is the first thing my mind leaps to when I see a cute boy, after willful reflection, it is not the same (of-course I know in my head that God is better). However by the power of the Holy Spirit, God is showing me in those first, tender moments when our eyes meet, that He (God) is more, He is more fulfilling than even the best, most flawless, loving relationship. As my mind is about to travel down the path so familiarly known to it, God's love and truth arrest it and remind it, yes in those instinctive moments, that He is better, He is more, that in essence, I'd rather have God than have that best scenario. It is not to say that I couldn't have both, I just must have God first, and more importantly. He is the core anyways, He's the reason why anything has meaning in the first place. My previous mindset about cute, "eligible" boys has marked my life with guilt, as I realize my selfishness and Godlessness, shame as I realize that I may have made a fool of myself in the process, inferiority as I feel that I need to prove myself to get their attention and even more fundamentally, that since I want this so much, I don't deserve it, that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, and unfounded "heartbreak" when they choose someone else. You must realize that this "relationship" is only in my head, haha. Now, I can hardly look around without seeing boys that have previously been put in this category. I may have gotten tired of them or just replaced them with a new "more handsome", "more eligible" object. What I feel that God is doing is demolishing that fantasy world that has occupied my heart since childhood, and placing His throne right there in its place. I think He is showing me in practical ways that His love; the greatest love of all, the most satisfying love of all is after me, that it jealously longs for me. He is trying to show me that His love is what He put that desire in me for, that it is the only key that can fit in that hole of longing for love. His love is what that hole was made for. He's convincing me that I'm not losing out on anything good by loving Him wholeheartedly. He's rescuing me from the tendrils of my own illusions, and showing me that reality is what I'm longing for, and that that reality is Him.
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